[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

10. You never have to explain why you're holding a sword.

9. It's always a mystery...not like it seems to be.

8. Whenever you punch someone, they thank your hand.

7. You tend to vanish whenever you meet a woman at the summit of a mountain.

6. No one questions your sexuality, despite frequent references to rainbows and phallic symbols.

5. Vivian Campbell won't stop leaving you bizarre voicemails about how he secretly hates playing with Def Leppard.

4. Ra-Ra-Riot and the Spinto Band are two of the greatest bands in the world right now. Check out the rioters' new EP.

3. FIRE! LIGHTNING!

2. You unleash the fury at completely unexpected times. More so now with old age.

1. You're Ronnie fucking James Dio, bitch! Who needs a sign?

[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

You know what time it is? It's rant o'clock! Let's go.

I hate the internet. More specifically, I hate the way some computers decide to spazm and crash after I've written an extensive, complicated diatribe about the detrimental effect radio stations like XM53 "Fungus" have on modern perceptions of counter-culture. Here's a small blurb along the lines of what I wrote:

While I listen to the station for the sake of hearing the occasional Screeching Weasel, Descendents, Stiff Little Fingers, etc. song, I can't countenance how condescending anything that markets itself as "punk" truly is. Even the station IDs (unnecessary for satellite radio, but whatever) are this sneering British accent that refuses to acknowledge the fact that punk had completely degenerated into self-parody by this point about thirty years ago. For more information on this matter, presented in a somewhat esoteric and extremely pretentious yet highly interesting manner by English journalist Simon Reynolds, read Rip It Up and Start Again. (Did you guys know that Mark Mothersbaugh and Gerry Casale began Devo in the months they were home from Kent State after the shooting in 1970? I didn't). Seriously though, this book is a terrific read about the greatest of all musical eras, 1978-1984 (more on that opinion in a future column) that is a distant memory that will never happen again now that the internet has come and ruined just about everything (more on that opinion in another future column). Basically, I primarily find XM53 Fungus (a stupid-ass name for the station to begin with) bizarre because it has so much ground to cover but does it so shoddily. Following the Descendents' "I Quit" with Diesel Boy's pointless cover of Dead Milkmen's "Punk Rock Girl" is like some major-market FM station following some Kinks song from '67 with Orgy's cover of "Blue Monday" (sorry, Diesel Boy). I understand that other stations are eclectic. XM90's, for example, can follow Snap!'s "Rhythm is a Dancer" with Pearl Jam's cover of "Last Kiss" sans irony, but the "90's" umbrella keeps the whole operation intact. If you're going to champion yourself as the XM punk station, play good songs by good bands. I can always switch over to Ethel-47 and possibly hear some Ash mixed in with the four Red Hot Chili Peppers singles per hour. Granted, all four of those Chili Peppers singles were recorded since 2001, so they're all essentially the same song anyway.



Speaking of Kent State shootings, I was in the middle of a big standoff between a row of Pentagon police in Riot gear and a crowd of anti-war marchers on Saturday. For those of you reading this, please do not believe anything you see on the news about whatever events transpired. It wasn't that big of a deal- a few marchers were apprehended, the storm troopers just stood there, doing their job, no tear gas was unleashed (that I witnessed, at least). The march itself was surprisingly good. It moved pretty well across the bridge from the Vietnam Memorial, and the legions of pro-war reactionaries (mainly Vietnam veterans) stationed along the parade route to provoke those marching (it was like some Disney ride, I swear) were well outnumbered by the veterans marching against the war(s). I have no gauge on how many people showed up for the march, but it was certainly a lot more gratifying and a lot less fluff than Operation: Ceasefire was last year. I'm not a big fan of the ANSWER Coalition, but they did a pretty good job getting it together. Naturally, the people marching against the war in Iraq and other atrocities that certain nation-state governments gets away with were marginalized to shit by the news media. I was flipping through channels the other night and saw that Sean Hannity's Dipshit Simian infotainment hour took care to film only the dirtiest, highest, drum-bangingest people marching against the war, which is pretty standard-issue I suppose. Fox News is awesome. Here's a somewhat accurate account of the day's events.

I'll write more later this week. For now, here are a couple of things that have made me laugh uncontrollably recently.

You Park Like an Asshole
This is hilarious and incredibly useful. Spread the word and clear up this clusterfuck dwelling on our national consciousness.

And my friend Nick pasted this on my Myspace page. I am so happy that someone made this commercial. Catch it here in its glory before millions of other assholes on the web drive the gag directly into the ground.


When I was in high school, I remember seeing a mattress warehouse in a nearby town actually air a commercial where everyone in the store is dancing the Macarena. I would love to dig that one up.