[tyler s]

 

Hey there. In case any of you were hoping to stab yourselves in the brain today with a pair of scissors or something, but just didn't have the necessary motivation, I have provided some Ace of Base Lyrics for you to read over. Enjoy, and leave me a couple of bucks in your will... Come on, I'm short this week!

 

[tyler s]

Was that title too obnoxious? Well, pardon me for presenting an appropriate tribute to the single greatest hockey-centric video game ever made or that ever will be made! Feast your 1988-loving eyes on this masterpiece of 1-megabit athletic wizardry...

Now, we all have that one game irrevocably tied to our finest NES-playing experiences as kids. For most of those close to me in possession of a soul, it's either 'Contra' or 'Super Mario Brothers 3.' And lest we forget 'The Legend of Zelda,' complete with the golden cartridge. And 'Paperboy.' (Where else can you see tornados that materialize and chase only you?)

I remember back in the day, my friend Greg and I would sit in his older brother's bean bag chairs, and just let the time fly by in the third period if the score was tied just so we could get to that final shootout round. No overtime for you, faceless teams from Montreal, New York, or Chicago. Instead, we had the pleasure of controlling a single stationary player, who fired a shot in one of nine possible locations into the net, praying that your friend (aka the goalie) would lunge in the wrong direction. I can't count the number of times my friend fired a shot straight into the net and I lunged to the lower right like some moron when I could have won the game by not pressing ANYTHING.

I have to agree with the "less is more" school of video game thought. As in, they went to shit after they rose above the 1-megabit barrier.
I know there are plenty of those in the other camp, including of course my cousin Alex, and millions in the World of Warcraft zone, but honestly, I couldn't...wait for a moment, I need a dose of this:

Sorry, back on track. I enjoyed NHL '96 as much as the next guy, and my roommates and I got into heated rivalries over ESPN Hockey for the Playstation 2. But nothing could beat those B.o.S. moments when you heard the robotic announcer yell "Fight!" and everything about the game except those two mighty now-gloveless warriors was merely insignificant. After a round of Reagan-era pixellated fisticuffsmanship, the loser (get this) goes in the penalty box! No five-minute fighting majors or anything. That's what they get for not listening to the user manual, which stated, "You gotta fight (for your right to victory)." Poignant.

You can't blame the crowds for selling out the 70,000 seat Konami Arena straight through to the year 2010. (In 1990 when they wrote those words into the manual, that seemed like an eternity). These guys were passing a puck the size of a pizza around, glowing on and off, and in between periods, they even got to see a little spaceship blow up a giant spaceship on the megatron. I had so much fun playing this game as a kid, it influenced the way I played hockey when I got older. Every time I scored a goal, I'd skate to the faceoff circle, pump my stick in the air not unlike Peter Zezel (ref: Wikipedia), and when a roommate scored, I'd make sure to encircle my lucky teammate and tread ice in his general direction while everyone in the stands bobbed their heads simultaneously and the opposing goalie repeatedly raised his hands above his head in exasperation.

 

They just don't make 'em like this anymore.

On this note, two thoughts:
1. Best hockey quote of all time...
"I can't really hear what Jeremy says, because I've got my two Stanley Cup rings plugging my ears!"
- Patrick Roy, on the cupless Jeremy Roenick's criticisms.

2. Anyone know how to fix up an old NES? Mine's not really working and I feel like playing some 'Blades of Steel.'

[tyler s]

Publishing nothing is not necessarily a byproduct of having nothing to say. Those of you who know me know that I have a lot to say, I just haven't been able to concentrate much lately. But, there has been a ton going on, and a lot to look forward to. The 4th Weekend was outstanding, and all I have to say is that I'm going to have a few new interesting items up here soon. My inspirations? They are all over the map per usual, but here is one of them.