[by ted h]
Last night, I was talking with a friend of mine about the WGA strike and how, with Thanksgiving coming up, it might be a good
time for me to try and sneak on the picket lines and meet some of my favorite writers. Then my plan got kicked up a notch
and I realized that I could probably pass myself off as Ryan Murphy, award-winning* creator of nip/tuck, the TV show where
sexy people are nasty to each other. I mean, Murphy and I are both bald and white, and we both know what happened in the
latest episode of the show, so . . .
The new season of
nip/tuck sees our plastic surgeon heroes, Sean (the attractive and self-righteous one) and Christian
(the devout Buddhist - wait, complete narcissist cockhole) moving to Los Angeles to try and become even more tan and attractive.
Three episodes into this season (the series' fifth, believe it or don't), we've already seen signs of the depressing fates
these two have lined up for themselves. Sean was approaching happiness in a comforting relationship with a troubled brunette
(is there any other kind? Not on this show!) and Christian had come to terms with his need to always one-up Sean. How?
By . . . well, telling Sean that he needs to be better than him and getting bored in the middle of fucking up one of his best
friend's relationships. And by losing an argument with him over who got the last Yoplait (c). What does it say about this
show that it frequently presents doctors doing unbearably stupid things and that's not the least frustrating part of it?
Anyway, today's episode began what I imagine will be the big theme for this season, as it introduced several elements from
the past and wasted no time in having them fuck up quality things for our heroes. Just as Stringer Bell and Jay Gatsby had
to learn, you can't run from the past. When all is said and done, I predict this season will be like what you would get if
F. Scott Fitzgerald was obsessed with blondes in schoolgirl outfits (which he was). Julia, the only woman to ever come between
Sean and Christian, returns, with the surprise revelation that she is now a lesbian. All Christian needs to try and sabotage
this is permission from a real (read: unattractive) lesbian, Liz, to start breathing on Julia's neck and dry-humping her.
Meanwhile, Matt, Sean and Julia's perpetual fuck-up of a son, comes back into his grumpy father's life, begging. Matt has
lost his scientologist lover, but gained a kid . . . and a crack problem. And I don't know about you, but I saw that coming
a mile away. There should be a veto on young male actors scratching their arms and mumbling unless they DON'T have crack
problems, says I.
It also looks like the show is continuing its tradition of having psychotic blondes ruin things for Sean, as we met his wife's
stepdaughter, Eden (yuhp). Eden is trouble, of the kind that can only be communicated by having water drip off her in slow
motion while she looks at the camera like a whore. The operation of the week was an MTV-style bit in which Sean has to re-construct
her hymen, even though he really, really REALLY doesn't want to. Which, of course, prompted me to ask, "How the fuck does
that work? Can you really make a doctor stick tools inside you if he doesn't want to? And doesn't Sean keep Christian around
to do shit like that?" More importantly, as anyone who has ever seen any episode of this show knows, this girl is definitely
going to develop a psycho-sexual need to torture Sean, like that Nurse who got hit by the bus last season. Maybe that's the
whole reason Ryan Murphy moved the gang to LA - the public transportation sucks, and Sean's going to need to do something
awful to solve the worsening mess. Maybe the embodiment of his id, that creepy tattooed Latino guy, will come back. Maybe
he'll get a record deal.
USA Today made a point of emphasizing this season of
n/t as the show's attempt to give itself a face lift. I see the
next few weeks going to great lengths to establish the both the superficiality of attempts to change, as well as the merit
of changing for the worse. The show must know it can't go on forever, and it'll be interesting to see if anything actually
gets changed around here. This is probably the only show on TV where one could honestly say that even a change for the worse
could prove better. As for me, I'll be doing what I can to follow along and keep the bastard on track. I don't know how
good the show is trying to be, but I'll do everything to see that it doesn't get there. Just like Ryan Murphy would.
NOTES
Relatively Clever Music Moment of the Week
Obscure mouth surgery is performed to Devo's cover of "Satisfaction (I can't get no)." Appropriately funny and gross. Let's
ask Mark Mothersbaugh what he thought...
Dumb Music Moment of the Week
Matt and his baby-mama smoke crack while Amy Winehouse croons about "Rehab." It was bad enough when
Entertainment: Tonight
was using this song to talk about HER substance problems. And the shot where he takes a crack hit and sticks his head between
her legs is the least sexy use of drugs since Topher Grace in Traffic. Just thinking about it today at work made me laugh
out loud and get my boss mad at me.
Unbearably Heavy-Handed Exposition of the Week Christian's conversation with the woman who wanted to pay him for
sex went to such ridiculous lengths to establish that she thought he was a gigolo, it almost made me wish he would walk away
from her for acting so stupid. Or try to convince her that he was an undercover cop and humiliate her. Or just tell her
he wasn't interested. Or do all of them! Something to consider for
nip/tuck: SAN ANDREAS, I guess. Funnily enough,
did anyone else notice that she made references to "drought," being married to a powerful and impotent man AND that she looked
kind of like Faye Dunaway in Chinatown? If that was intentional, that's one of the smartest references in the history of
this show.
Creepy Sex Scene of the WeekDefinitely Sean fantasizing about Mopey turning into his step-niece. The music reminded
me of the
Kill Bill danger theme, which made me hope that we'd see veins swelling on Sean's forehead as he got more
and more into doggy-styling her, until his eyes bulged out of his forehead and his brain exploded. Yes, when I see a pseudo-skinemax
sex scene, one of my first thoughts as to its possible improvement is whether or not the special effects from Total Recall
would help**. Also - if you consider Sean's discomfort with his girlfriend's diarrhea and the enthusiasm he puts into mounting
her, you get this really, really unpleasant juxtaposition. Yes, that's what I went to college for.
Prediction in Bad Taste of the Week
Now that the gang's gone to Hollywood, who else wants to see a subplot in which a Jesus-loving rapper with expensive French
sunglasses goes after them for killing his mother in a botched tummy tuck? And they could totally get Turk from Scrubs to
play this rapper, Qwanye East!
That would be awesome. And awful. And if they do do it, I better fucking get my royalties. WGA!
*Oh God, I hope not.
**I think most television would be improved by the special effects from Total Recall, incidentally. Give
this a once-over and see if you don't have just a little trouble concentrating next time Colbert is on:
